On Working...

As Gavin quickly approaches the 14-week mark, I've reached that time that (most) moms dread...putting the babe in the care of another and hitting the J-O-B. I didn't know how I'd feel about going back, but I knew that I did not want to shut the door on working completely. Most people tell me that I'm going to be glad to get out of the house. (And the paycheck that goes along with it will be more than helpful, of course). But, most people are not quite the homebody that I am. I've found caring for a baby to be very taxing, sometimes stressful, completely all-consuming...but not awful. Truthfully, I knew it would be worth it, but I thought it would be awful.

So, in the middle of the night a few days ago, after feeding the baby his midnight snack, I broke down thinking that next week my alarm would be going off in less than two hours. How will I ever survive? I'll have to feed the baby, get myself ready, get him ready, drive for almost an hour, drop him off at Dawn's, and be at work by 7:30. I'm already counting on looking like a train wreck every day, but we wear so much ridiculous garb now that it doesn't really matter. I suppose Dylan could take over the midnight feeding to help things. But we actually tried that last night and one of my boobs almost exploded, so that won't work. At least not till Gavin is boob-weaned. And I suppose Gavin could just stay with Dylan most days...but Dylan could get called on a charter trip at a moment's notice, and we have to pay the daycare provider anyway, so...

I'm getting real nervous. I'm having flashbacks to 2009-2010, and that is what is scaring me the most. It was the peak of Angry Lu. I was waking up ass-early every morning to get to work while Dylan lived a life of leisure. No, back up, he worked about 3 days a month. I suppose he deserves credit for that. This situation does not make for a happy wife. And I see it happening again, except with some modifications: Dylan will have 3 work-free and baby-free days per week, while I'll have 0 of these kinds of days for probably the rest of my whole life. I so respect the fact that he has regular employment and actually love most things about this job, but Me + Little Sleep + Everything About This Situation does not a happy person, and hence a happy home, make.

So what I'm hoping will happen is that I'll be so happy to see my friends at work, and out of the blue I just won't find the tedious aspects of the job to be tedious anymore. I'll appreciate every second of adult time and take pride in feeling productive. Then I'll get off of work, not have circles under my eyes and miraculously feel well-rested, so that I can be an awesome mother for the afternoon and night. The sound of my shrieking baby in the car for almost two hours a day won't send my stress levels through the roof, and I won't have to pull over in a secluded parking lot to nurse him in the backseat and make it stop. Also, I won't worry for a second that something horrendous might happen to him when he is out of my care. Then I'll do some online shopping to reward myself for the hard work, which will only provide positive reinforcement for me to keep at it, and it won't make me feel guilty about not actually needing the stuff that I buy when I use shopping as a coping mechanism. Then we'll have a lovely home-cooked family dinner where everyone shows their appreciation for everyone else and all the hard work that was put in that day to better the family, and everyone will just love everyone else very much.

I definitely see it going that way.

It's only three days a week, after all, and most moms go back full-time and do just fine, right? I am so, so, so lucky to have a job in pharmacy with daytime, weekday hours that will still accept me at only 3 days a week. It's a big part of my social life. A lot of the people there make me smile every day. And when we have weeks like this one, where the car breaks down and the water heater needs to be replaced, it will be much less of a financial strain when I'm contributing to the family income. I'm not willing to let it go.

So that is the status of things. I wish I had a crystal ball and could see into the future a few months to see how I am holding up. (Or maybe I don't want to know.) Anyway, I shouldn't be too much of a mess dropping off the baby. (Though I did do myself the disservice of reading about SIDS statistics, which has me completely freaked out.) It's going to be a big week around here. Wish us luck.