It's different, and it's harder, but it's not bad. Not at all. Yes, the sleep is still super difficult to come by. When the baby wakes up three or four times in a night, and then stays up for almost two hours, I swear in the moment that I'm putting him on formula the next day so that he'll sleep longer and so that someone else can help me in the middle of the night. I can't take it. I fall asleep with my head in my hands, and there's nothing anyone can do to help me. Then, morning comes, and I'm tired, but it's all okay. I've taken up coffee drinking again, and I rather enjoy it. I don't think the caffeine is affecting the baby. At least not yet. So, I'll continue to indulge.
Something I swore I'd never do is co-sleep with the baby. But you know what? When you're on your own all night long and running on fumes, you just do what you have to do. And so far, he hasn't slept anywhere except next to me in the bed since he was born. (Except during the day.) I still swear I won't continue this longer than a month or so. I don't want a toddler in my bed nursing on my boobs as he pleases all hours of the night. No way, Jose. But for now, I'd rather not risk putting him in the bassinet after he's peacefully asleep in my arms, just to have him wake up and spend two more hours getting him back to sleep. I learned the hard way that that's exactly what happens. So, just like everything else, it is what it is.
I did my first bedtime routine with Gavin while parenting solo with both kids. It was a little hectic carting the baby around in the swing from the bathtub to Gavin's room, then going back for Gavin and doing the same while he was in a sour mood, kicking and screaming. Graham cried the whole time through Gavin's bedtime stories...but it is what it is (as I've grown so accustomed to saying.) G2 will probably just have to clock a little extra time crying because all I can do is the best I can do. And G1 will just have to adjust to not always being #1 anymore. It'll be good for both of them, I'm sure.
Graham had his 2-week appointment, and I was overjoyed to discover that he had not only gotten back to his birth weight but had exceeded it by half a pound! What a difference than my experience with Gavin. I was in the pediatrician's office with him at least 4 times before he turned 2 weeks old, where I was told that he was not gaining enough weight and that I must feed him formula. I remember driving down there with my wobbly leg and arriving 45 minutes early so that I could nurse him and give him a bottle of formula while sitting in our hot car just so that his weight could check out. No wonder I was a ball of nerves. Thank goodness we chose a pediatrician with a different approach to things this time. Baby is strong and thriving, and I am so thankful. We don't have to go back until he is 2 months old.
It has helped that I've had more realistic expectations with breastfeeding. It still drives me batty to have to do it constantly, but I know it will get better. Once we round the 1-month curve, I can probably pump and maybe even leave the baby for a hot second to run an errand or something. I don't know why it is that I'm so driven to succeed at this. I think I see it as a challenge or something, and I want to prove to myself I can do it. Of course, it's what's best for the baby. At least that's what I'm told. Generally, I try to do what's best for the baby, and so that is definitely a factor. I just promised myself that I won't make myself miserable over it for an extended period of time like I did with Gavin because that just isn't good for anybody. But hopefully it works because in the end it can be more convenient (which is definitely not the case right now) and also it's FREE. After spending $300 a month to feed Gavin, being free definitely makes a strong case for breastfeeding.
Anyway, life is weird right now, but life is good. Dylan and I drove to the pediatrician this morning with just the baby and then hit Trader Joe's while I walked around nursing the baby. (Something I would have never done the first time around.) We remarked about how much time we hadn't spent together over the last couple of weeks but recognized that it is just this season of life. It's sad, but it's okay. Things move quickly, and this too shall pass. Because although the newborn phase (and maybe the entire infancy?) are not my favorite things about parenting, I've learned this time around to embrace it because it is a precious time, and it is temporary. If there's one thing I've learned in the last few years, it's patience. It makes all the difference.
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