All the Happy

It was a random weekend in a good way, and it closed out with a not-so-Mondayish Monday today. Woohoo! We had lots of rain and not much on the agenda, and it was just my speed. Dylan's Sunday thru Wednesday trip turned into a Sunday & Wednesday trip, and as you know, zero nights of him away from home bests three nights away like 100-fold. He took the boys a couple of mornings, freeing me up to get out on my own, and he was able to hang out with us a lot of the time.

On Saturday morning, the boys met me out after Graham's morning nap. Dylan had some birthday money burning a hole in his pocket, and he was in the market for new ski pants. It was off to R.E.I., but not before stopping at a donut shop in the area. When Dylan leaves for a trip, we always remind Gavin that we'll go out for donuts when Daddy gets home. Except that all of us usually forget about it when he finally does return home. We figured that Gavin might realize we're full of crap one of these days, so we decided to finally make good on our promise from last Wednesday. After loading up on trans fat and sugar, we felt awesome, and even though Dylan struck out at R.E.I., we still had enough fuel in the tank to ride the train at PV Mall. Graham scrambled around the play area while Gavin and I went for a ride, and it was one trip around the carousel before heading back to our area of town to finish up errands and call it a day.

We offered donut holes to Graham, and somehow he didn't actually like them.

Just eating the maple glaze and sprinkles. A complete sugar junkie.

He got a spot in the caboose!

Love seeing these brothers play together.

Giving this guy a whole apple is my new tactic for keeping him occupied when I need to get something done.

Graham and his lamb.

Dylan finished up his day-trip on Sunday by about 1pm, and we decided to have John and Fran over for an impromptu chili dinner. It sounded like a great idea until I realized that I was a mess, and so was the house. Luckily, my parents were in the neighborhood and hung out with the boys for a little bit while I attempted to work on the appearance of things. Dylan did 90% of the cooking, and we ended up pulling off a great dinner in the nick of time. Drinks and chili and cornbread and cookies. Not bad for a Sunday night. The boys were pleasant, the company was fun, and it was a great finish to the weekend.

We're going on one week strong of having our sweet Gavin feeling back to normal, and I'm going to bed every night feeling thankful for good health and a happy family. I can't say this was always the case. A few weeks ago, I reached a point of being fed up with everything. I had gone for several months feeling like everything was out of control, and I was constantly stressed out and pissed off. Logically, I knew that life was good and that I should just appreciate my great kids, awesome husband and comfortable way of life. But then finally I was able to admit to myself (and to one or two other people) that, and I quote, "I hate this way of life." I don't use the word "hate" very often, but I reached that point, and it was the only accurate choice of words.

And you know what? Things almost immediately got better. I suppose that denying my emotions and feeling guilty for the way I felt was no way to get things back in order. However, recognizing that I am only human, with human faults and real human emotions, really freed me up to look at the big picture and see what was actually happening. Sure, it was completely out of my control that Dylan had been traveling a lot and that I was having a hard time with Gavin, but I could control a few factors.

First, I took a break from social media. I'm back on it now, but only in very small doses to check in on things. I hardly ever read the headlines or click on any articles. I realized that there is wayyyy too much information out there and lots of scary things going on, and I was trying to take it all in while being powerless to change any of it. That's anxiety-provoking. I like to be a part of a worthy cause if I can make a difference, but as one person, I can't do much to change the countless number of things wrong with the world.

And then, I focused on slowing things down and intentionally taking a time-out, even if that meant I had to let some things go. I discovered that I could leave the house with a sink full of dishes or a dryer full of unfolded laundry, and we would probably all survive the experience. I was also formerly a complete crazy person about keeping a certain inventory of groceries in our house. I was prepared, at any time, to keep the family fed for a like a month. I had it in my head that, given where we live and all the other things we have going on, coupled with the fact that I almost always have kids in tow who are perpetually on the brink of meltdown, that I wouldn't ever just be able to buy food on a whim if we were getting low on something. However, I learned that I don't have to have three weeks worth of every food staple...that we won't starve to death without our 72 lb block of cheese from Costco. Because even if it isn't practical or convenient to run into Costco for more milk/cheese/yogurt/fruit/coffee beans/butter/bread/eggs/peanut butter, that actually they sell these things at Safeway, which is a lot more convenient. We may pay a little more per ounce if we have to make a quick run for half and half, but it's better than scheduling our life around buying groceries.

With this new frame of mind, I've had more time at night to take in some TV or reading or Internet cruising...or whatever mindless activity makes me happy in the moment. Currently, I'm (very, very slowly) watching Veep and Good Girls Revolt on my own and The Crown and Big, Little Lies with Dylan. Actually, we haven't started Big, Little Lies, but the premiere from last night is recorded and ready to watch. Shockingly, we still have plenty of fresh laundry and clean dishes, and we never run out of food, diapers, soap, toothpaste, etc. We've been eating out, enjoying cocktails at night, and taking more time to play with the kids. We stop for unscheduled activities while we're out and focus less on logistically planning every detail of the day to maximize productivity. It's all normal-people stuff...it's just that I've been so wrapped up in keeping everything going with a certain level of organization that I never stopped to smell the roses.

A few other things made a difference for me, too. I subscribed to Headspace on the recommendation of a good friend, and it makes an honest difference. I'm currently on day 30-something. I also drink some version of relaxing Yogi tea every night and take some sort of "Stress Relief" and "Energy Boosting" Olly vitamins every morning. I've continued to break a sweat at the gym more days than not, which has always been more for the mental release than anything else. Maybe it's all due to placebo effect, but does that really matter? Nope.

For some reason, I've been frequently flashing back to our trip to San Diego over the summer. Graham was only seven months old, and I was still nursing. (In case you don't remember, I really, really don't enjoy nursing.) But, somehow we all had our acts together a lot more than we do now. I was able to get stuff done and keep the family rolling along without being a total stressed-out control freak. It was a lot of work to get out to San Diego in our trailer, but it was a really fun time with our boys. Gavin was happy, Graham was happy, and Dylan was Dylan. And by that, I mean the guy who perpetually has on a happy face. The constant finder of silver-linings, optimistic person who never falls on the unhappy end of the spectrum. I think it was our final hurrah before life abruptly shifted gears. When I told Dylan that I kept flashing back to this trip, he pointed out that we had just come off of three weeks of another vacation before we went on this one. I wasn't working, he hadn't worked in a month, and nobody had any sort of schedule to which to adhere. A lot of factors were in play, and it was a glorious time, but it was not reality.

For now, I'm just glad to really be living life and not just going through the motions of keeping everybody alive. And not in an "on vacation with no responsibilities" nor a "basking in a bout of unusual good fortune" type of way, but in just doing the day-to-day in a way that brings maximum joy to everyone in this family.

Chances are good that any factor will go awry again, which will send me into the stressed-out, exhausted, control freak spiral. It's just how I'm programmed, especially since having babies. But it's been far too long since that spiral has been broken, and now that it is, it's made me acutely aware of the fact that life can be so, so good instead of just so, so hectic and draining. And, hopefully, when we happen upon a difficult phase with one of the boys or a relentless travel schedule or illness or whatever hiccup, and I start getting all crazy again, I can look back on this and get some perspective...and then get my act together for my own sake and the sake of my family.

After these last few weeks, my wallet is a lot slimmer, and my waistline is a lot wider. (Unfortunately I'm past the point of blaming those extra 5 lbs on premenstrual bloat.) But, I'd trade in my skinny jeans and a few extra bucks to slow down and live life how it's meant to be lived. Making room for joy is essential, and I think it should be a priority for everybody!