SIX MONTHS

I can't believe our boy is 6 months old.

Scratch that, I completely believe it. To me, the time really hasn't flown by. When I remember the day that I came home from the hospital with our tiny bundle and a bum leg, it seems like eons ago. So much has happened in that time. But above all else, Gavin has been the biggest blessing I've known in life.

I honestly think that Gavin is the most adorable baby I have ever seen, just as all mothers think of their own babies (as they should). Now that his tummy feels better, it's impossible to look at him without receiving a huge smile back, unless it's after 5pm. He belly laughs at the strangest things, like the sounds "woof" and "moo." He's huge and amazing, and every time he meets a milestone that would be completely uninteresting to anybody else, I am left in complete awe. He loves motion...walks in the stroller, wagon rides, swings, and errands in the Ergo. And he's not very social...he is especially not fond of men, except his dad, who he adores. I can't imagine life without him...but at the same time I remember my pre-mom life pretty easily, too. My current life is much harder than my former life, but much more full at the same time.

Sir Gavin James receives no fewer than 1000 kisses from me each day. He is that irresistible. He eats like a champ, and he's been getting food for the last couple of months on the advice of our pediatrician. (I think she thought his huge body could not be sustained on formula and breast milk alone.) It has gone very well, and he LOVES food. He's won the hearts of his dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and sometimes his cousins, too.

We love him to the moon and back. But let's be real. Parts of the last six months have been REALLY HARD. It was just after his first month when Gavin decided he would hardly sleep a wink all day long. Then a month later, his dad left town for three weeks for training, leaving Gavin and I to our own devices. Shortly thereafter, I started work and G went to day care. At first it was okay. But somehow he became an increasingly more irritable baby, starting from a baseline of already cranky. And I continued to be a single mom for what was probably half the time but what seemed like 95% of the time. It's easy to lose sight of all that is good in life when your time is consumed by a person who won't let you set him down for more than a couple of minutes without screaming bloody murder. And who also didn't sleep great at night...or during the day at all. My house was (and still is) a disaster area, and I didn't cook, explore a single hobby, or do much of anything leisurely for months on end. It was the first time I ever really enjoyed my time at work despite showing up on broken sleep and with minimal brainpower and no energy. I was exhausted to my very core and had more than just a few meltdowns. The only thing I had learned and still know about Gavin is that he is completely unpredictable. Like, Oh he has a new car seat and now he doesn't cry in the car. Next day: Cries for two hours in the car.

But then something amazing happened. I took G to the pediatrician, who has never had a very conservative approach, which I typically would prefer. But at that moment I just wanted someone (anyone!) to do SOMETHING to make it better. She switched his formula and put him on a stomach medicine after meeting with her for just a few minutes and turned our world upside-down in a good way. I cut out breastfeeding, and that has also brought my happiness factor up about 1000% for a million reasons, not the least of which is that I can sleep comfortably on my stomach again for the first time in a year. I understand why some moms think breastfeeding is great, and I think it's totally cool that you can feed your baby such a perfect food from your own body, but I think it's the absolute worst. I'll do it again if we ever have #2, though I won't be happy about it.

Yes we still have bad days. Sometimes very bad days. When Dylan is gone, we all still feel the hurt pretty severely. It's still trying, and sometimes it's still REALLY HARD. But it's so much better. Baby G naps just a little bit better, and we can go out on errands without much incident. He still demands a very early bedtime which severely cramps my style, but I guess you can't have it all. And poor little guy...his tummy hurt for the first several months of his life. It breaks my heart, but I'm so glad that he's more comfortable now.

This is not at all the way I thought things were going to go before I had the baby. I deemed formula to be poison, I would have never thought I'd give my baby solid food prior to six months, and I thought I'd use cloth diapers religiously until he was potty trained, which hardly ever happens now. And put medicine in his sweet little 5-month-old body? My previous self would have said NO WAY, but my present and very desperate self says WHATEVER IT TAKES. I couldn't have imagined that I'd still be lacking sleep six months in, and I did not know I'd spend so much time worrying about what the constant stress and lack of sleep were doing to my appearance. I'm so scared of the wrinkles and gray hair that are sure to follow.

But you know what? We're all healthy, and on most good days we're pretty darn happy too. Gavin is doing so much better at day care, and I'm enjoying my days off with him so much more. Dylan and I have been fixing real food for dinner, and I've been able to keep this household in mediocre shape without cramming every chore in to two second intervals. My world is starting to feel a bit less isolated, and I'm beginning to think that taking Gavin out after 5pm won't always be a national disaster. Even the sleep is better. For my last few shifts at work, I've happily announced to everyone that I felt reasonably well-rested. I've been able to push my bedtime back little by little so that I can have more of a life at night. I even started reading a book!

I love that Gavin is growing up and learning to do things. I think it's exciting, and I'm ready for the next six months and all the wonderful years ahead. I love you, Baby Gavin, more than you could ever know. You are the light of my life.