12 weeks

12 weeks..It's supposed to be some kind of milestone, and I really feel that it is. I think after today, we say sayonara to the newborn stage. Fine by me! It's been an interesting adventure. Equal parts exhausting, frustrating, wonderful and amazing. These first few months, at least for me, have proven to be a real test of endurance. This is true for both of my boys, though I've had wildly different experiences with the two.

In some weird way, I feel like Graham and I are part of this exclusive club, in which he and I are the only members. I didn't feel that way with Gavin...I was just like "Waaaahhh this is so hard!!" the whole time, constantly second-guessing everything I did and doing myself the disservice of reading too many books and listening to too many people. This time around, I did things the way I wanted them to be done, and I refused to give a rip about whatever people were thinking or saying. Even Dylan, who supports me in every way, is not part of this club. He is a super star dad, as we've already established, but as he told me over the weekend, "I don't even know how to put this baby down for a nap." He's given him two or three bottles (yes...I've only been gone long enough for the baby to need a bottle just a handful of times), and Graham has slept in the baby carrier on Dylan's body a bunch of times. But D doesn't have the boobs, and so he's never once done the middle of the night thing (which I'm sorry to report is still a two or three times a night event). This has led to us keeping our club very exclusive, and come to think of it, D has never even given the baby a bath. He's awesome at holding Graham, though, even when he's crying while I scramble to get ready for bed, make dinner or whatever, and I'm sure their bond will grow as G2 gets older.

We haven't had this many smiles along the way, but we're seeing more and more of them!

12 weeks...we made it!

Yes, it has been an exhausting way of doing things. But I've also taken a very relaxed approach to it. Often I want to run far, far away from this house, but once that feeling passes, I realize I deserve a pat on the back for all this crazy hard work because I think Graham is going to be better for it. (And he'll be one hell of a Mama's Boy.) For the most part, I've been perfectly content, but I've almost lost it a few times, and I feel proud that I've stuck it out for the long haul. And yes, 12 weeks is an extremely long amount of time when you have a new baby.

I'd also like to declare victory on the nursing thing. Graham has still not had a drop of formula. That might not be the case if I weren't 99.5% sure that he has a dairy intolerance, like Gavin had. I wasn't about to make room in the budget for Nutramigen, and it turns out that cutting dairy out of my diet, while not ideal, is totally doable. More than that, I think I was just hell bent on making nursing would work out this time. I'm not even sure why. I'm not so against formula, and I know it makes things easier most of the time. I guess it has to do with my theory on parenting...if I'm going to do it, then I need to do it the right way. My version of the right way, that is. (I'd be beating a dead horse if we went into how people just need to do what's best for their own situation when it comes to parenting styles, so we will leave it at that.) Just like I knew I wouldn't give in and cry uncle during natural childbirth. If I decide to succeed at something, then my only option is to succeed. Sometimes at the detriment of my sanity. And I did almost lose my sanity, especially in the seven weeks leading up to the lip tie release. I had severe pain, Graham's poops were green, he was tiny...and angry. So angry. I have post-traumatic stress from Gavin's infancy, if you haven't noticed, so the screaming baby was just so un-cool. I still get painful blocked ducts, which are no joke, but I feel like we are really over a hump, and this whole thing is going to work.

Graham, you are my precious little peanut. I'm so glad we've done things the way we have. I'm even more glad that you're a little more prepared for me to share you with the world and we can both branch out a little more. I think we both need it. Like, really badly. It has been a joyful, but very isolating time. Going to our mom's group at Babymoon every Tuesday has been my savior in making me feel less alone on this adventure. Oh, the relief of hanging out with other like-minded new (or second-time new) moms. This time is so, so hard, but so precious and very temporary (even if it doesn't seem that way). I'm figuring you out more and more every day, and we are really finding our groove. I'd like to get more sleep, but sleep will come. We're doing better than just scraping by. My sanity is intact, and I've actually spent the last few months being very, very happy. I'm looking forward to the adventures ahead, and I can't wait to see you grow up and play with your big brother, the other light of my life. I love you bigger than the universe!