I digress (yet again). On our date, D and I saw the newest Richard Linklater movie, Everybody Wants Some!! It didn't disappoint. As usual with his movies, nothing really major happened but it was completely entertaining and engaging the whole time. It was a great escape. Somehow though, as I explained to Dylan, half of my brain was still churning even while I took in the show. I was experiencing that "tired but wired" phenomenon where you're so tired but also stressed and over-caffeinated and so super jittery and jumpy. Which is kind of unfortunate since I hardly ever make it out to relax, least of all in the company of Dylan. Still a perfect way to spend a Saturday morning, especially since I've been held captive in our house by potty training since Wednesday afternoon, except for a few jogs. It is a bear to get the crew together, especially with a potty in tow, but super worth it given the rarity of the situation. Thank you so much, Mom and Dad!
While we were out, D and I also found ourselves engaging in uninterrupted conversation. We reflected on the old days when all I ever talked about was my work drama and what this person and that person were up to. It made me miss that part of me. The part that actively engaged in something that involved adult conversation and focusing on a task and which provided reward in the monetary sense. I also really, really miss going to a place where people, in general, like me and think I'm good at something. But at the same time, I was completely relieved that it's not part of this chapter in my life. As the saying goes in reference to having little kids, "The days are long." It's so true. The second part of the saying..."but the years are short"...well, I'm not so sure I agree with that one yet, but I'm not even three years into this journey. I'm sure I'll agree much more wholeheartedly around the time that Gavin starts kindergarten.
Truth be told, most days I feel like I'm running around like a manic animal meeting people's needs left and right, all day long. A lot of time it's a thankless job and a lot of the effort I put into the day winds up being completely futile. Like when I attempt to prepare Gavin a semi-healthy meal and he eats none of it. Or when I wipe down the kitchen and it's disgusting two seconds later. Or I spend a half hour getting the baby down for a nap and then Gavin drives his truck into the room five minutes later and wakes him up. It's what I signed up for by staying home with two very little kids, and at the end of most days I feel like we would all be better off if I took a paying job outside the home. By the morning, however, when we all get together at the table and take our time eating breakfast and drinking coffee, I know that I'm right where I'm supposed to be for now. Not forever...and I don't know for how long. But for right now, I'm right where I'm needed the most.
This stage that we're in, while both boys are so little, is probably the hardest stage to be staying at home but also the time in which I will make the most impact by doing so. Plus, the flexibility it affords us is priceless. When Dylan leaves every day to do something work-related, a part of me is envious that he gets to break free of here. But when it's all said and done, I'm just glad he works at something he enjoys and that he's happy to have me at home with the boys. Because if he hated his work, as so many people do, then it would be completely unbearable for all of us. It may be one of the harder times of my adult life, but I've been dealt a pretty sweet hand of cards. I'm grateful up and down, left and right, for how blessed this family is every single day.
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| Bringing a friend to take a pee |
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| Passing the time at home |
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| Obviously Grandpa knows the way right to Gavin's heart |
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| Please don't pee on our bed |
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| Modeling his convertible attire for this unexpected rainy and cool afternoon |
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| My sweet little giraffe-mauling boy |
I think back often to when Gavin was a little baby. I do this like way too often. Nothing has, and probably nothing ever will, rock my world like having that first baby. When Dylan was traveling all the time and on no schedule at all, I would start my work days early and fueled solely on adrenaline and caffeine. And at night, I would go to bed feeling robbed of a soul most of the time. It's a great way to lose the baby weight, but I don't recommend this sort of lifestyle at all. I am probably remembering it being much harder than it actually was because I know the human memory has a way of doing that. But even so, I'm just so completely relieved that things are different this time around.
I'm exhausted, I lose my patience a lot, I miss so very much doing anything for myself, I'm sick of these last eight pounds that won't go anywhere, I feel stretched very thin and pulled in a million different directions, I haven't had a haircut since October and I look like crap every day. But, I read this article today called How a Stranger's Comment Changed the Way I Parent, and it reminded me that these really are the days. It can get lonely, and it is hard, but it's a very special time. I specifically remember saying in my Babymoon group a month or so ago that I was sick of people me telling me to treasure every moment because it goes by fast...that these are the days. I said out loud in front of everyone, "These are NOT the days." This mom job is not easy peasy, and parenting probably never will be, but I tend to think that the really good times are ahead of us. However, I know I'll look back and treasure these moments with my two adorable and crazy boys. I live for these people, and I'll give them everything I've got for the rest of my life.
Once I'm no longer a prisoner in my own home and my oldest son can be trusted to wear underwear in public, then I might not get so wrapped up in my own head, and hopefully the content of this blog will shift back to being a little more lighthearted. I apologize for all the rambling, but here you have it, right from my core. Nighty night!
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