But the tables seemed to have turned. Anyone who has stayed home with small children probably does not find this surprising. Actually, though, I hadn't planned on going back to the pharmacy. Nope. However, the wheels have constantly been turning in the back of my mind as far as what exactly I could do with myself outside of this mom gig. I was enrolled in classes at SCC, and then I just didn't feel right about digging deep into my pockets to pay for something like that, so I dropped the classes. Then I had an epiphany and decided I wanted to be an accountant. I even started applying to ASU for the spring. (I'm still not completely letting go of that idea.) I also thought that starting some kind of business would be cool, but I've been thinking that for years and have yet to come up with a good idea. I'm not getting any younger.
And then a text from the pharmacy came in a couple weeks ago that said something along the lines of "Time to come back LP." In fact, it said exactly that. I replied with something wishy washy and moved on with my day. After a few days, though, I was like "Hmmmmmm." I've said for so long that we are so much better off with me being at home, even with the substantial pay cut that goes along with the Mom Job. And maybe we are. But I'm not. Not really. Also, a couple of other factors came into play at around the same time.
First, Gavin just began full-day preschool twice a week, so his childcare is already in place. Also, Graham is no longer nursing. (For the simple reason that I do not like nursing. Especially in the front seat of my car in every parking lot in Scottsdale just to make it through the day. I do not regret this decision.) And, with Dylan's plane back in town, he is going to be gone more than he's home in the coming months. When you don't have a husband coming home in the evening to help you put your kids to bed it makes for very, very long days. Even when he's busy in his office at home at night, he's HERE, which is a lot different (better) than him being somewhere else. Going to work will probably make things harder and more complicated and exhausting and stressful...but at least it will break up my week. Yes, revisiting a career that I've never really enjoyed does indeed feel like a sort of break.
So, I figured that if I could negotiate some sort of schedule that would have me working only on the days that Gavin was at school and getting me out at a reasonable hour, I thought I might just go for it.
I love having leisurely mornings, and I'm not looking forward to an early alarm on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Dropping the boys off at two different places will make a very long commute even longer. I'll miss going to the gym on those days, and I won't be making it to anymore moms groups. It's not like I'm giving all this up to go to the happiest place on earth. No...things have changed at the pharmacy, and I probably won't be able to fit in many side conversations or laughs during my day. And as far as the actual work? No, it's not the type of thing that will "fill up my cup," as they say. But...I will be in a place with no children in sight, I'll be able to focus on a task for extended periods of time, and...the $$$$$$. It's a factor. It means, among other things, I won't be cleaning this house anymore. I believe that, up to a certain point, more money makes life easier. And easier is better. As a condition of being human, I'm drawn to earning a paycheck. You know what else? It's not a life sentence. If it doesn't work out, then it doesn't.
I thought for the longest time that I was so super lucky that I wasn't working at a job. I'm so glad I put in over 8 months at home with Graham. I wish I had done the same when Gavin was a baby. The freedom it afforded our family, especially over the summer, made it all worth it. I believed it was the best thing for us, and it may turn out that this is true, but I won't know until I try the alternative. For a while now, I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was meant to do more with my days...with my life...than I had been doing. Logically, I knew that I was doing the world's most important, noble and admirable work as a full-time mom. But my mind couldn't convince my heart. When Dylan would leave in the mornings for meetings and lunches with friends and colleagues it always made me feel a little left behind and sort of insignificant in the adult world. Also, my brain has suffered over the last few months. Like, I lost a pair of nice sunglasses for two months until they turned up in some random compartment in Dylan's truck. I also lost a hard drive with all my photos from 5 years and then found it in the safe...but with water damage. I blamed Gavin for throwing away Graham's social security card...but it was probably me. These types of things would have never happened to me a year ago. Lately, I've felt like every dish I washed, every demand I met, every minute I spent cleaning up a mess that I didn't make, was just killing my brain cells one at a time. I'm ready to diversify where I put my efforts to work and exercise the noodle in my noggin.
I've joked with a few of my co-workers that the pharmacy is like a bad relationship. Even when it makes you unhappy, it's really hard to get away from it. Ultimately, the decision came from my gut. I know that some may have their doubts. Going to work tends to make me more tired, more stressed and more cranky. But I decided not to care about anyone else for this one thing because I'll spend the other five days a week caring mostly only about everyone else. And my gut told me YES. YES I want to make some money, YES I want to be around adults and not children, YES I want to feel productive, YES I want to (sometimes) be treated like a respected professional and not a second-class citizen wiper of butts meeter of needs. And as a bonus, I might be able to go pee once or twice during my day without anybody following me to the restroom. It might not be what's best for everyone, but it's two days a week. Nobody, including myself, will suffer too greatly. There's nothing else in the whole world I could do with this schedule, in pharmacy or anywhere else, and make enough money for it to be worthwhile....so I'm doing it, and I'm lucky to have the opportunity. Why not give it a try?
I've joked with a few of my co-workers that the pharmacy is like a bad relationship. Even when it makes you unhappy, it's really hard to get away from it. Ultimately, the decision came from my gut. I know that some may have their doubts. Going to work tends to make me more tired, more stressed and more cranky. But I decided not to care about anyone else for this one thing because I'll spend the other five days a week caring mostly only about everyone else. And my gut told me YES. YES I want to make some money, YES I want to be around adults and not children, YES I want to feel productive, YES I want to (sometimes) be treated like a respected professional and not a second-class citizen wiper of butts meeter of needs. And as a bonus, I might be able to go pee once or twice during my day without anybody following me to the restroom. It might not be what's best for everyone, but it's two days a week. Nobody, including myself, will suffer too greatly. There's nothing else in the whole world I could do with this schedule, in pharmacy or anywhere else, and make enough money for it to be worthwhile....so I'm doing it, and I'm lucky to have the opportunity. Why not give it a try?
No comments:
Post a Comment