One time, long ago, I spent a lot of time alone in this house, and usually that was okay. But it could also be very sad. I remember thinking that once I had kids, I would have something to keep me busy and distracted from the loneliness. I wasn't right about a lot back then, but I was at least partially right about this...the part about being busy, anyway. I knew enough to know that children couldn't provide quality conversation or fill the void in my heart that inevitably creeps in as soon as Dylan is wheels up for his next trip. But all I'd ever heard from anyone as far as caring for children went was that it was utter insanity. So, I thought that the chaos would be enough to crowd out any feelings of loneliness. Wrong. Dead wrong. Eventually I had kids and learned what "lonelier than being alone" really felt like.
Fast forward to today, and I'm singing a different tune. I'd gladly do just about anything to even get an hour to be alone in a quiet house. It's happened a handful of times, and it's everything I'd imagined and more. In fact, on Friday Dylan took the boys to pick up his parents at the airport and then hit the park, and I had a solid FIVE hours here to myself. I thought, "Oh I'll just binge watch something the whole time." I got two episodes into This Is Us before I put myself to work, leaving the remaining three episodes for another time. Once a control freak, always a control freak. (At least for this time of my life.) Some day, I'll learn to be utterly lazy again, but I have a feeling it'll be at least a few years before I get back to that mental condition. But still, it was quiet around here, and the time without noise and chaos was healing to my introverted soul.
Eventually Monday rolled around, and it was time to figure out the logistics of the week. Dylan is always encouraging me to ask my mom to grab the kids from school and keep them for the night while he's out of town. But, while Gavin was having a hard time in almost every way, I just couldn't let it go...I had to bring him home with me and keep him with me because, again, I'm a control freak. I'm also his mother, and it's just what felt right. During those months, I probably needed a break more than anything else, but I'm a crazy person, and I chose to bring home two exhausted, hungry kids, a carload of cargo and dirty lunch dishes and then do the whirlwind of dinner, baths and bedtime while everyone cried the whole time, successfully fraying my every last nerve. Because, obviously, that was the right choice for everybody. (Ugh, just add it to the list of things I'd do differently since becoming a mom, now that I can see it in hindsight.)
Anyway, my mom had been chomping at the bit to see the boys. She has endless energy and is always happy to take my traveling circus home with her, especially now that they go to school where it is convenient for her to pick them up. With Gavin still in good shape and full of positive energy, I finally could let go of some control, and so I decided that yeah, coming home to an empty house on Tuesday evening might be the best thing ever. Also, the kids don't have to spend 9.5 hours at school when someone else can pick them up early, which makes me happy. My mom was available to take on this duty and agreed to the task. She didn't just agree to it, she was over the moon to get my boys in her house. Gavin couldn't stop talking about Nonna picking him up, and if Graham had any awareness of what was happening, I'm sure he would have been excited about it, too. That's what I call a win-win-win-win.
My only hesitation with the whole thing was that I would miss my boys. That had nothing to do with my hesitation just a month or two ago. Lately, as the energy has been more positive around here, I've sensed a fundamental shift in myself. Where before, everything left me irritated and exhausted and just wishing for a freaking second that everyone could just be quiet and calm down and stop needing me 24/7 and draining everything from me...now, the smiles and laughter that we're beginning to hear more often drown out the tantrums and crying that still occur, though less frequently. It's still noisy, chaotic, demanding and a 24/7 thing, but it's so, so joyous. Now that the boys play together, I just love seeing the shenanigans that they get into as the dynamic between them continues to unfold. I never knew that the sound of them laughing could fill up my heart so much, because honestly nobody around here was laughing for kind of a long time.
Now that we've reached Wednesday morning, and I have a little over an hour before it's time to hit the gym and then meet my mom with the boys at swim class, I can tell you that sending them off for the night was the right decision. This is an arrangement I will definitely sign up for again when it's available. I can't even tell you what I did with my night besides catch up on some TV and cruise the WWW. We all need brainless nights like that sometimes, and after being on the phone for eight solid hours at work, I was happy that I had an opportunity to decompress. The morning has been even sweeter than the night. My internal clock had me up pre-5am, but with nobody else to attend to, I've been sitting here in front of the Today show with my coffee and computer, trying my best to be still and un-productive for my final hour alone.
So yeah, it's lonely without Dylan during the week, but by changing up one gigantic factor for just one night, it has really changed the landscape of things and has left me (and probably all of us) in a much better place to tackle the days ahead of us. This is just a little lesson to myself in accepting help when it's offered and letting go of control. Nobody's offering any medals for being a mom-warrior, but I do think that everyone benefits when I get a break from the grind and can take some time to myself every now and then. The help is there, I'm lucky that it is, and I'm stupid if I don't accept it. (Thanks, Mom!)
No comments:
Post a Comment