I chose the latter. Not that I don't eat or pray or love. Also, I enjoy wine and travel and yoga. But tacos, sleep and a little spa treatment were what the doctor ordered for this little getaway. And shoot, do I ever feel refreshed.
I very vividly remember New Year's morning 2015 when Gavin was right about Graham's age. (I know, a quick switch of gears...but stick with me.) We ate a Swedish tea ring, a New Year's tradition in Dylan's family that I only partially recreated successfully. Then, we watched Boyhood, and we were utterly relaxed. After spending 16 months all sleepless and on high alert with a maternal instinct on overdrive, I finally could take a deep breath, and for the first time I felt like "I got this."
Nothing about life changed fundamentally in that moment. We still had good times and bad, but I just felt I had a better handle on things after feeling wildly out of control for such a long time. After a couple months, I was pregnant again. A couple months after that, I stopped working and Gavin and I escaped to Oregon for the summer. Then, in the sweetest, most relaxed few months of my motherhood to date, I began dropping G off at Dawn's twice a week while I went to classes at SCC and prenatal appointments at Babymoon. I remember telling myself to cherish every single second of Fall 2015 because, come Christmas, sh*t was going to hit the fan again.
I wasn't wrong about that. But, it was a different kind of frenzy than the first go around. I felt a lot more confident in my parenting skills, and I let a lot of things go so that my life could be easier. I felt more at peace with having a tiny baby at home. But, having a baby and a toddler is no joke, no matter who you are. Again, I was wracked with a hyperaware maternal drive that left me a sleepless and anxious mess for much of the time. I lost sight of who I was a person, for the most part. As the kids got older, slowly I got little pieces of me back. Little by little. But they're still very small children, and a lot of the time I feel lost in the world of being a mom. Slowly, I'll get to be the person that embodies both motherhood and who I am as a person wholly.
I don't know if my little staycation will lead me to feel some sort of mental shift that will set things on a more serene path for me and my family. It's easy to think so right now because I haven't seen the two little rascals in about 16 hours, I'm sitting outside in gorgeous weather with my feet kicked up, and I'm writing and feeling well-rested. Soon, I will go home, and I'm sure I'll hear lots and lots and lots of crying, like I always have. (I told Dylan once that, by the time we're out of the stage where our kids cry all day long, and then we go in public and hear a baby crying, I will curl up in a fetal position under a table as a response to post-traumatic stress. Right now, it seems like the kids cry all day long, and still, every single time, it shoots a stress response through my body.)
I guess my point of it all is just...baby steps. One thing at a time. Grab a break when I can get it. End every day feeling grateful because, as far as being a mom with two small kids goes, I've been dealt a pretty sweet hand. Things will evolve and change as they will. Life is good...and it's also a non-stop learning experience. And the best news, for anyone who is still sticking with me, is that pretty soon I will be home. I won't have the energy or time to be all insightful and reflective and prophetic, and these posts will go back to pictures of my children eating sand, smearing yogurt and jumping off sofas. (Is that good news?? I don't know. It just is what it is.)
No comments:
Post a Comment