I know this time of life is not about what I want. I think it's only human, though, to run out of selflessness stamina. Dylan sure tries to make it better. He recognizes that I'm shuffling a lot of things and doing it with a baby plugged into my body and not much sleep. He helps out, and he's an awesome dad. Thank goodness for him. But when he leaves for the day to work and interact with adults and have lunch out, I kind of want that for myself. I've been content to do what I'm doing...but just today I decided that I'm bored. This mom of two gig is hard...but it's super duper boring all at the same time. (Not to go on a tangent, but there are so many definitions of "hard." I thought a condensed physics course or an organic chemistry lab were "hard." I thought that dealing with difficult customers at the pharmacy was "hard." This is a whole new breed of "hard." Not better or worse, just different.)
I always thought that I could be a stay-at-home-mom and that I'd really like it...but I'm starting to think maybe I'm not SAHM material. It takes a special person, and I'm special in many ways but maybe just not this one. Perhaps when we're more mobile and my kids are a little less attached to me (literally and figuratively)...or maybe when the job entails something that uses more brainpower and is less exhausting. Which will happen never.
I do think that Graham spends an abnormally long time eating. I know newborns eat seemingly constantly, but honestly he eats for like an hour, I put him down, and in minutes or seconds he's crying for more. He just cries ALL the time, unless he's eating, sleeping or being held on someone's shoulder. So, either there's not enough milk or he's not sucking efficiently. I've taken him to the chiropractor a few times, we've been to the lactation specialist, and we've brought it up to the pediatrician. The midwives have looked at him. All in all five professionals have determined that he's lip-tied. Everyone said to wait and see if it actually causes a problem. So, on Monday we are headed to the pediatric dentist to have his palate assessed to see if a lip and tongue tie need to be released. If this doesn't help our situation, well, I can honestly say I've done everything right and maybe it's just not meant to be. I've been patient, I've fed on demand, he hasn't had a drop of formula, I've given up dairy, I've sought help from every kind of professional. We'll see what happens at the dentist, but we may need to make room in the budget for 10 months worth of Nutramigen because I'm not doing this for 10 more months. Ugh. Luckily, he is getting enough to eat overall and is gaining weight and really thriving.
I learned with Gavin that I breastfed him for far longer than was healthy for me mentally. It was so emotionally draining. I promised that this time around I'd give it my very, very best...but I'd stop if it was going to make me crazy. We have enough crazy around here, and I'm sort of the anchor of this family, so it's best if I'm emotionally and mentally healthy.
I've done so much comparing of Graham to Gavin at the same age. I'm not sure if my memory is cloudy, but I remember being awfully miserable for the first few months (or year...or more) of his life. He was hard, and I was thrown for a loop. It's understandable, though. As a first-time parent you are catapulted into this alternate universe, and it's super hard no matter what. Some people do better than others, but it's a pretty crazy time. When the baby is "spirited," it's even a bigger challenge. Since my full-time job is feeding a baby, I've done a lot of reading, and I came across an article on the Huffington Post called "Why It's Not 'Just' Colic or Fussiness." (Also, I have a goal of being published on the HuffPost...send me some human interest topics that you think might just get me to my goal!) You should read the article if you've ever had a difficult baby. If not, it'll probably bore or annoy you. It spoke to me more than anything I've ever read or heard before. I feel compelled to share some parts of this article. More because it's therapeutic for me than because anyone will actually find it interesting. Please feel free to stop reading now.
So, without further ado...
The opening of the article- People trying to point out the "good" in every situation is annoying when you're at your lowest. All I ever wanted at the time was for someone to validate my feelings, tell me I had been dealt a tough hand of cards and that I was doing a good job. That is ALL I wanted to hear.
People judging you for being stressed out and for your baby crying a lot is pretty much the worst.
Not being able to live life on your own terms- ever- is painful. I would make a reservation for Gavin at the gym nursery, drive a half hour each way to work out, only to have him get kicked out for crying too much. He didn't sleep when he was supposed to sleep, or he was just cranky because he felt like being cranky, or for no reason at all, he just wasn't having it. Sometimes my trip to the gym was all I had to look forward to in my day or even my week. It sucked.
The feelings of being a failure are REAL. You try everything, you second guess everything you do, and your kid is constantly unhappy.
The words written below are so true. I did this to myself CONSTANTLY.
But, like the quote below reads, I didn't enter into parenthood to do it half-heartedly. My kids are my pride and joy. I feel a little chained up right now, but this time is temporary. Sometimes it doesn't seem like it, but I know we'll make it through to the other side, and of course it's more than worth it.
Having been on this ride before, I'm much less emotionally and physically exhausted this time, and actually I'm pretty upbeat. Even Dylan said, while attempting to soothe our constantly crying second baby, "I can't believe you are being so nice to everybody." I feel happy. For real, I do! I'm just getting antsy, that's all. I think a lot of people in our age group purposely spend our 20's doing awesome things and spending our time, freedom, and money as we please, so it's particularly difficult to eventually spend your days answering to a baby and a toddler. That may have been my issue the first time around. It's just the next phase of life, though, and I know that now. Nothing I've ever done or will ever do will ever be as rewarding as watching these two little guys grow up, and I've never been more grateful for anything than I am for the three boys that make up my family.
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