Happy New Year!

I think the lack of sleep is catching up with me. Everything over here is still pretty good, but I've reached that point where you feel like you're never going to get enough sleep again as long as you live, and you're going to feel like crap forever. I ask myself every day, "Why do people choose to do this over and over again?" I love, love, love the baby, but I won't pretend like I didn't melt down to Dylan last night and proclaim, "I hate this." If the baby is awake, he is nursing. Yesterday, he only took one two-hour nap. My hands are never free. He wakes up at least three times at night and usually takes an hour to two to go back to sleep. This morning I'm alone with both boys, and though Gavin woke up earlier than normal, Graham is still snoozing in his bassinet. PAW Patrol is on the TV, and Dylan left a big pot of hot coffee for me before departing on his trip at 5-something AM. We are feeling relatively peaceful, but I'm sure it won't last long enough for me to finish this post.

We've been keeping busy around here for the last week or so. Dylan's parents were in town, and though I didn't leave the house much, I had plenty of people and activity around to keep me from going stir crazy. The baby and I made a trip to Babymoon the other day to see the chiropractor. He's had a few fussy spells where he screams in agony until 1am, and I think the chiro helped Gavin's fussiness a little, so we decided to get an early start with Graham. So far, no fussy spells since his adjustment (but I won't hold my breath.) Man, that inconsolable crying for hours on end is enough to make me lose my mind. For New Year's Eve, we went across the street for an awesome dinner. I had to bolt out shortly after to bring the fussy baby home, but Dylan and Gavin stuck around for a few minutes to do fireworks. Kristin sent me some fun pictures of the night. She always captures the best ones of Gavin. Our New Year's Day wasn't quite as peaceful as last year, with two especially needy boys on our hands. But, I did manage to pull a Swedish Tea Ring together. It was more of a lunch than breakfast thing, since I didn't have time to prepare in advance. Then, yesterday we met up with a bunch of our cousins at the park. It was one of those impromptu things that just came together so nicely, and everyone was there.

Sweet sleeping guy

Playing outside with Grandpa!

Sweetest thing

Loves his new crane shirt from Tuna

Happy New Year. Hang loose.

Little angel

Funny face

Aye yai yai

Big brother is mostly indifferent toward baby bro. Sometimes he asks to hold him...but we have to stay close. He's tried to chuck him off the couch a time or two.

Waiting for fireworks in the house!

Borrowing Pierce's hat for the Happy New Year photo!

Party animal

Sparklers with Dad!

Thanks Krissy for the awesome pics again!

Playing with his new Thomas Train set from Nonna and Papa.

Toast face

Eating the traditional Swedish Tea Ring. Gavin approves!

Big bro and little bro...and yes, Gavin did attempt to chuck Graham off the bed just before this.

A very unflattering and very real photo. I'm happy to report that the baby is now sleeping in his bassinet all night instead of on me.

Hiking with Grandpa.

Erin, my cousin, said to me when she saw me at the park, "I don't envy you right now at all. Being up all night with a newborn sucks." I love when people are real. She echoed my sentiments about the hopeless feelings of never being able to get enough rest again for your whole life, as she pushed her 1-year-old in the stroller. I love the congratulations and well-wishes because it is a time of celebration, and it is such a wonderful thing to bring a baby into the world...but a lot of unpleasantness goes along with it. The delivery is beautiful but traumatic, and then you have to deal with the nastiness of your body healing, including stitches in your bum if you're like me. Then your milk comes in and breastfeeding is a chore and your boobs are huge and sore. The baby is attached to your body almost constantly, and your toddler is terribly behaved and breaking things on purpose while he deals with the adjustment. You feel huge and gross, and you hardly get to shower. Meanwhile you're super hungry because you're providing all the calories and nutrients for another person, so you mow through all the food in your house, which makes you feel not awesome about your belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly. All this, while being totally sleep-deprived, which is a legit form of torture. I say again, how do people find the motivation to do this over and over? It's so hard. I know it's worth it, but it is hard.

So, we quit the gym this week, which is the opposite of what most people do at the new year, especially when they've got 10+ pounds to lose. But, I decided to get real with myself...I'm not going to make it in there with two little kids on my hands very often at all. It was nice to go swimming there in the summer, but I don't think I can handle two kids that can't swim on my own in the pool. It might be a different story if we didn't live a half hour away. Plus, it's not a cheap gym, and the funds for the membership needed to be allotted elsewhere. On the flip side, my FIL got me some awesome trail running shoes for Christmas, and I look forward to the day I can take up jogging out here on the dirt roads and also get back on my bike! For the summer time, I suppose I can do exercises at home or join a yoga studio or something for a fraction of the price of the gym.

Anyway, this is the state of things during this particular season of life. Luckily, Dylan is a rockstar and has taken over most of the Gavin duties and other things around here while I scramble to keep our lives as normal as possible. As they say, this too shall pass. I'm just having trouble believing it right now. But, we have a perfect, adorable, sweet little baby, and I can't get enough of him. I hate to sound like such a Debbie Downer during such a joyous time, and I love all these boys with every beat of my heart. Really, I couldn't be more thankful for our amazing baby blessing...but I'm allowed to be realistic about how difficult it is. If only someone could tell me at what point Graham would sleep through the night, or just wake up one time at night because I could handle that. Then I could count down to the day when I might feel like a sliver of my old self again...but I can't do that. It could be a few weeks or a few months. If it's longer than that, I'm hiring a night nanny.