The Quest

As the summer starts to wrap up and we say hello to a new phase of life, my mind is filled with thoughts of What am I going to do to stay productive, active and engaged? It's no question that no matter how my days play out, I will constantly be doing something. Sitting idly is not really an option...unless my mornings continue to play out like this one, where I've been up since 3am, and now at 5:30 everyone is peacefully asleep. I'll choose sleep over sitting idly, or anything really, so hopefully this won't become a regular thing.

But what to do? I haven't worked at a paying job in over a year, and I'm in full stay-at-home-mom mode. Constantly, though, my mind wanders to thoughts that I'm not doing enough or being enough no matter how busy things get around here. At times, I feel like I want to be so much more than a person who spends all day serving mediocre meals and washing the 10,000 dishes that ensue in a house that is never quite clean. It doesn't make my mind so happy. Logically, I know I'm doing life's most important work, and I love my kids fiercely. For that reason I feel that I'm doing a good job as a mom, and as my kids grow older, this work becomes more and more fulfilling for me. But still, I'm always on a quest for more.

As I've begun to vocalize these feelings of inadequacy, I'm realizing that it is a common struggle among many SAHMs. For some, becoming a mom was their life's calling, and it's all they ever wanted. For others, it's what is best for their family. For all of us, we know we are dang lucky that staying at home is an option our family can afford. But it doesn't come without at least a few identity crises along the way and a constant evaluation of one's purpose. Personally, staying at home is what is best for my family, and honestly I don't really want to get up early and haul my kids across town so I can get to a job. I really don't. If I had it my way, I'd have my own little business working odd hours, whenever I could get childcare. Just to have some moments to myself to focus on something, exercise my brain and feel productive in a money-making sense. The only problem is that I'm not crafty or talented enough to sell cutesy things on Etsy, and I don't have any other good ideas.

I don't know why I feel insecure about not working outside the home. Is it society? Was it something ingrained in me long ago? It's certainly not coming from my husband and kids. They want me at home with them (thankfully). It's not like I didn't go to school until well into my adulthood to make a career for myself. I worked for 7 years and even landed a pretty sweet job working three days a week, which is almost unheard of in pharmacy. But I don't want that anymore, either. It is the exact wrong type of work for my personality and leaves me exhausted and with very little left to give to my family. (My thoughts on making lifelong career decisions in your early 20s is another story completely.)

I've mulled over so many ideas as I navigate this identity crisis. I would go back to school if it became necessary. I love taking classes...this would absolutely not be a problem for me. But it would have to be really, really worth it to spend that kind of time and money pursuing a different career. In fact, I've currently enrolled in and paid for classes at SCC on Tuesdays and Thursdays, when G is supposed to be in preschool. (He hasn't gotten in YET.) But then I'd have to pay for childcare for G2...and I just can't decide if it's all worth it just so I can have two days to get out of this house and outside of my head. Like, what are the odds that I'd really put design classes to use at a job in the future? The jury is out on that, but the outlook is not awesome. Luckily, tuition is fully refundable for a few more weeks.

So, after spending all this time and mental energy, I've reached the only logical conclusion. That is, I'm just going to keep on keepin' on with things as they now stand. I'm handing this one over to God or fate or whomever you, as a reader, believe decides these kinds of things. (I know what I believe, but this blog is decidedly not about that.) My life's plan and purpose is not really up to me. I'm meant to do good things, as we all are, and maybe I was put here to be a good wife and mom and relish in the love I get from my family. After all, the baby isn't even a year old. I suppose it's socially acceptable that I'm still at home. (Not that being socially acceptable should even be a thing. But it is.) Guys #1, #2 and #3 are really my entire world, and so they'll get 100% of my focus. When or if an appealing opportunity comes about to spread my wings outside of this house, I won't waste a second to jump on it. And as soon as that happens, I'm sure I'll immediately begin questing for yet even more because that is just how these things tend to be. Is it selfish? Or is it just the human condition to quest and quest and quest? I suppose it's a little bit of both...but really, I will try my best to put this quest to rest. (Haha.) What I've got, right here, right now is not only enough. It's everything.

Now that I've got that cleared up, what to do with all this extra headspace? I hope to only use it on thoughts that are pleasant, light and optimistic. And maybe a little bit brilliant. Maybe. I welcome anyone else's inputs, thoughts and ideas on The Quest...as long as you don't plant a seed in my head that's going to make me crazy all over again.